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  Title: Useless Industries Employee Handbook


Issues of Pay and Performance  Benefits 
  • Vacation 
  • Jury Duty 
  • Military Leave 
  • Funeral Leave 
  • Doctor and Dental Appointments 
  • Holidays 
  • Sick Leave 
  • Personal Leave 
  • Family and Medical Leave 
  • General Leaves of Absence 
  • Health Insurance 
  • Life Insurance 
  • Disability Income 
  • Dental Insurance 
  • Extended Benefits (Pensions) 
  • Sharing Of Company Profits 
  • Worker's Compensation 
  • Unemployment Compensation 
  • Employee Education 
  • Employee-Assistance Program
The Company  Standards of Conduct  
  • Problem Resolution 
  • Disciplinary Procedures 
  • Disciplinary Appeals Process 
  • Voluntary Termination 
  • Involuntary Termination
General Information 
  • Telephone Procedures 
  • E-mail Procedures 
  • Business Gifts 
  • Personal Property 
  • Company Property 
  • Contributions for Gifts 
  • Other Contributions 
  • Personal Mail 
  • Smoking/Chewing Tobacco 
  • Company Vehicles 
  • Automobile Liability Coverage 
  • Seat Belts 
  • Traffic Tickets and Parking Violations 
  • Alcohol on Company Premises or on Business Travel 
  • Confidential Nature of Business 
  • Personnel Records 
  • Sexual Harassment

The Company

Mission Statement

USELESSTM Industries is a manufacturing and marketing organization dedicated to bringing USELESSTM products into the lives of every man, woman, and child... both on Earth and beyond. To date untold millions of our products have been foisted upon an unarmed and unsuspecting public, creating the illusion that their lives are significant while simultaneously filling the Useless™ corporate coffers to overflowing. USELESSTM Industries will continue to ruthlessly enhance it's opportunities for growth by pretending to balance the needs of its customers with it's shareholders, by giving the appearance of both valuing all our employees and of supporting our local communities, and by making every non-economically detrimental effort to protect the environment.

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Corporate Philosophy

The primary objectives of USELESSTM Industries are...

(a) to make as much money as possible, as is consistent with the U.S. Federal Income Tax Code (as amended 1996), the 1972 Extradiction of Federal Felons Law (Big Johnson Act), and the RICOH (Suavé) Act.

(b) to continue as a byzantine, hierarchical and insensitive bureaucratic organization, disguising it's true malevolence, while maintaining profitablity and making contributions to our customers and society in the least expensive and most publicly visible manner.

(c) to produce and market products that are untimely, inaccurate, and of no intrinsic value to our customers.

(d) to create the appearance of fairness, honesty, and ethical dealings with our suppliers, customers, and employees.

(e) to be always in pursuit of new ways to make a buck - new products, new ideas, and new processes that will benefit the Company (and that may or may not benefit our employees and our customers.)

(f) Do everything in our mortal power to create in the Company an atmosphere of unbrideled fear and intimidation, thus making our home communities the welcome respite from the daily grind that they were intended to be.

This philosphy is a guide to thinking, and not necessarily a guide to specific action. If specific action is required, you will be told by a supervisor exactly what to do.

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Organizational Chart 

The Big Main Frame (the Big MF)
The Workers
The Fall Guy

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Job Descriptions

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Issues of Pay and Performance

Performance Reviews

Performance reviews will be performed on an ad hoc basis, regardless of performance, up to 365 times per year. You may be asked to come in on a Saturday for a performance review, or a Sunday, or both. You may be given a performance review by your immediate supervisor, or by that supervisor's supervisor. If you receive a summons to be reviewed by the MainFrame (The Big MF) then God help you. Performance reviews are almost always negative, and rarely, if ever, result in a salary adjustment, unless it is for the worse, as they usually are. If you are given a negative performance review, you may be charged a nominal negative performance review fee of only a few hundred dollars, depending on your position, and that fee may be waived if Hell happens to freeze over.

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Salary Reviews

If they last that long, all USELESSTM associates will receive a salary review after the first six months of performance anxiety, and again after one full year of performance. Thereafter, salary reviews will occurs regularly, but often without warning, on an annual basis. Salary reviews are based on an evaluation of performance by the associate's supervisor,who is God, and will be subject to a cursory review by the USELESSTM Controller.

Guide for supervisors:

List any reasons that the subordinate associate should have salary lowered.

_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ (use separate sheet if necessary)

Count reasons listed. Using base-10 modular arithmetic, divide the number by ten. Take the remainder (base-10) and reduce the associates salary by that percentage (somewhere between 0 and 10%.) Schedule follow-up salary review for next appropriate time period.

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Employee Classifications

Employee Classifications are as follows:

Level Four: The MainFrame

Level Three: Executive Level

Level Two: Management Level

Level one: Simians

Level Minus one: Dogs

Level Minus two: Rodents

Level Minus three: Bugs

Level Minus four: Pond scum

Level Minus five: The Fall Guy (only one employee at any one time can hold this position)

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Issues of Pay

USELESS Industries reserves the right to skim your pay and invest this money into chancy schemes and high risk endeavors. The skimmed money is in pre-tax dollars, and will not be returned to you. Any profits from the investment will go to USELESS Industries and not to you. You may, though, get a smiley face sticker on your paycheck.

Should you so choose to complain about the payment system, you will be hurt, both emotionally and physically.

Direct deposit is frowned upon, as it conserves resources and protects the environment.

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Outside Employment (moonlighting)

You try, you die.

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Reimbursement For Expenses


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Use of Personal Automobiles

Employees are encouraged to refrain from car-pooling, as it may result in fraternization. You must park your vehicle in the employee "pay-by-the-minute" lot located just five miles east from USELESS Industries on I 97, then six miles north on 37 E, take the Shady Road exit, and go three miles until the low hanging tree scrapes the paint on the top of your car (it makes a very distinctive sound), take a left and park somewhere in the mud. Bug spray and some sort of personal defense system are suggested while in the lot. It is your responsibility to get from the lot to work. We suggest USELESS Taxi, which happens to be located just across the river from the lot (so bring swim trunks).

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Work Hours

Work hours fluctuate during the year according to the advice of the USELESSTM corporate astronomers. Their word is law. No one will be made to work more than 1000 hours in one week unless it is the holiday season, during which cots will be provided so that you will not need to leave your workspace. Federal regulations mandate a 15 minute break every four hours, but USELESS Industries does not care.

Hours of Operation

USELESS Industries prides itself on the fact that it has not stopped operations for even one hour since its first day of business in 427A.D. With the arrival, earlier in this century, of child labor laws, this proud heritage was threatened, but USELESS always finds a way. The work day is composed of four shifts: The good shift (8am to 4pm), the bad shift (4pm to 12midnite), the sucky shift (12 midnite to 8am) and the really shitty shift (8am to 10am the following day). This way we ensure operations around the clock. New employees can expect to upgrade up the shift ladder as their coworkers are phased out, are disappeared, or die, usually at the hands of those very employees who want their shift. Upgrading is encouraged, as it makes for a dynamic and mortally challenging work environment.

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Attendance Policies

The following are not legitimate excuses for missing or showing up late for your shift.

1. Any sentence that begins with the words "I forgot..."

  • ex1: "I forgot it was Monday."
  • ex2: "I forgot that I worked here."
  • ex3: "I forgot how to get to the factory."
2. My car won't start, or was stolen. (Ever heard of taking a cab?)

3. "Aliens, aliens, aliens!"

4. "Don't I have any personal days left?"

5. "Little green genies! It was the little green genies!"

6. Any sentence that begins with the words "I know this is hard to believe, but..."

7. "I just couldn't take it anymore, I'll be back tomorrow" (wrong answer: clean out your desk, and don't bother saying goodbye to anybody.)

8. "I thought this was my day off!" (think again: when have you ever had a day off?)

9. "You can't do this to me!" (wrong again: local statutes permit us to do almost anything we want.)

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Hiring Policies

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Hiring Relatives

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Reduction in Staff

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Exit Interviews

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Jury Duty

Depending on the decision you agree to render, you may be allowed to leave for jury duty.

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Military Leave

Military leave is allowed for three reasons.

A country owned by USELESS Industries is under siege.

A country not yet owned by USELESS Industries is under siege by the USELESS Industries Militia.

USELESS Industries becomes President of the United States and Commander in Chief of the Military.

In the event of conscription, you are expected to dodge, unless any of the previous three circumstances hold.

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Funeral Leave

Don't beat yourself up. Stay at work. Remember your loved ones as they were in life, not mouldering in some fetid grave, their soft organs liquifying, being eaten by the denizens of the earth, their features decomposing into a hideous mask of death.

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Doctor and Dental Appointments

It has come to the attention of USELESS that, since the early part of this century, Doctors and especially Dentists have been using pain-killing drugs to ward off the often agonizing pain associated with, say, the extraction of a tooth, or the removal of an organ.  This is in strict violation of the USELESS policies regarding drug use.  Therefore, requests for time-off for such appointments will be denied.

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USELESS recognizes all of the major holidays including Quanza and MLK day.  But recognizing a holiday and allowing a day off for it are two entirely different things now, aren't they?  USELESS employees are allowed a 1/4 day off for USELESS day (which does not exist in the real world).

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Sick Leave

A picture is worth a thousand words...
in other words you better be dying before you ask for sick leave.

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Personal Leave

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Family and Medical Leave

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General Leaves of Absence

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Health Insurance

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Life Insurance

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Disability Income

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Dental Insurance

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Extended Benefits (Pensions)

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Sharing Of Company Profits

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Worker's Compensation

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Unemployment Compensation

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Employee Education

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Employee-Assistance Program

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Standards of Conduct

Problem Resolution
Problems are inevitable when working in any major intenational corporation. The managment at Useless Industries pays serious lip-service to resolving any potential problems that might arise with an associate in conflict with the corporate hierarchy and corporate culture. But in general, here are a few rules of thumb by which the management bases it conflict resolution policy:

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

There is always one more son-of a gun than you counted on.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.

This is as bad as it can get - but don't bet on it.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

The facts, though interesting are irrelevant.

The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Not one shred or evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

The other line always moves faster until you get in it.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible - but no simpler.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

To live forever: acquire a chronic disease and take good care of it.

It you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh or your life is spent on Monday.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

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Disciplinary Procedures

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Disciplinary Appeals Process

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Voluntary Termination

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Involuntary Termination

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General Information Telephone Procedures

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E-mail Procedures

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Business Gifts Personal Property

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Company Property

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Contributions for Gifts Other Contributions

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Personal Mail

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Smoking/Chewing Tobacco

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Company Vehicles

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Automobile Liability Coverage

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Seat Belts

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Traffic Tickets and Parking Violations

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Alcohol on Company Premises or on Business Travel

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Confidential Nature of Business

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Personnel Records

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Sexual Harassment

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© Copyright 2002 Useless Industries - Only Some Rights Reserved

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Useless Industries is John Powell - Robert Stacy - Robert Spande