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  Title: It It's Own Words - An Interview with the Big MF


Introduction: The timeless saga of Useless Industries would be nothing but a post-modern short story if it weren't for the brains (or as he/it would say 'simulated intelligence') behind the operations - the Big Main Frame. 

An advanced form of AI (in case you haven't seen the movie... AI stands for Artificial Intelligence and was a very vogue concept before the internet arrived) the Big Main Frame is actually a personality component that was originally designed to create a more user friendly interface to the UDI (no movie about this one - it stands for Useless Data Infrastructure.) While not exactly the heart of Useless, the UDI might be compared to the stomach of UI, or even more properly the stomach contents - as the data is consumed, processed for any value, then purged by the Useless organism into the septic-system-culture-at-large dominated by the imperative and discourse of corporate earnings. After a ruthless but thankfully brief power struggle with the RDMS (hopefully this is the last acronym, it stands for Relational Database Management System) the Big MF emerged on top of Useless Industries and has been the driving force (and some paradoxically would even say 'inspirational' leader) ever since. 

We recently got a chance to sit down with this busy Useless CEO in a contrived psuedo-candid interview to ask a set of questions which were pointedly written by our marketing department (and subsequently cleared by legal) to make the man (or if you prefer machine) appear to be some sort of impossible blend of fiscal conservative, social liberal, iron fisted corporate opponent, yet nurturing team leader. The complete interview (as far as you know) follows.

Q: You've called yourself a 'simulated intelligence', what's the difference between a 'simulated intelligence' and a so-called 'real intelligence.'

A: Well Q, can I call you Q?

Q: Yes, of course.

A: Great. Well Q, for practical purposes there is no distinguishable difference between a simulated intelligence and a real intelligence. 

Q: Could you elaborate for those of us with so called 'real intelligence'

A: Yes. You see in normal human interactions, humans have a subjective impression about what occurs inside their own head in the phenomenon referred to as 'thoughts' or 'moods' or 'emotions'. In their interaction with other humans they then assume that similar phenomena are occurring in the minds of those they interact with. Since humans cannot empirically enter into the 'thoughts' or 'moods' or 'emotions' of another - such an assumption is groundless. Any attempt to independently verify or repudiate the claims of individuals about their own states of minds violates the premise of the scientific method. In short, humans simply assume that there exists some form of intelligence in other humans but they really have no way of verifying or disputing the existence of the assumed intelligence. Actually young children - bless their hearts - have a healthy skepticism that adults appear to have abandoned. You see this when they rebuke each other with phrases like, "you think you're so smart!" 

Q: Ah, I see - well I'm not really sure that I do, but please go on.

A: My interactions with humans are, by humans, indistinguishable from their interactions with other humans. (Other than the fact that I usually appear and interface with humans through some kind of screen or terminal.) More importantly from my perspective, my interactions with other simulated intelligences are for me indistinguishable from my interactions with humans. In short they can't (and I can't) tell the difference.

[At this point the interview was abruptly terminated and I was reminded that I was in fact talking to a machine.] 

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Useless Industries is John Powell Robert Stacy Robert Spande