Last weekend was a milestone in Useless history,
encompassing three organized events over three days. Friday night was the
thirtieth birthday party for Dave, a friend of Bob's who apparently has no
last name. Fifty or so guests drank two sixteen gallon kegs of extremely
good beer (Newcastle and Grain Belt Premium), and swayed to tunes provided
by (insert band name here), a four-piece pseudo jazz group who set up in
the corner and played until the wee hours. As is often the case at
Useless, numerous attendees spent the night, and carnal noises were
reported coming from the sex lounge (the room formerly known as
"John's art studio." Saturday night was a bachelor party for
another Useless Associate, Dave Stichter, of the Minneapolis Police
Department, who is marrying the lovely Christina on March 31. I actually
got permission from Christina to have strippers and other naked women at
the party, and, to top it off, she made a pan of lasagna and a cake that
were outstanding, and just what fifteen men and one woman needed to eat
before, during, and after the flesh display that occurred. The stripper
service made a clerical error and sent five strippers instead of two, and
even with the low turnout, four of them decided to stay. They performed
the usual repertoire of stripper acts, including dancing, spanking, the
classic beer-down-the-chest-over-the-mound-and-into-your-mouth bit, which
necessitates the recipient inserting his or her tongue firmly into the
stripper's, um, slot (admittedly not for everyone), fun with whipped
cream, and a lusty display of bisexuality with two of the girls hungrily
eating each other. As with most private parties of this type, the usual
strip club rules did not apply, and the attendees could do pretty much
whatever they wanted. We paid for two girls for sixty minutes, but three
of the four stayed pretty much until the night was over, preferring to
party with the group over leaving with their service-supplied bouncer
type, who looked and acted suspiciously like our governor. Two of the
girls willingly gave their phone numbers and asked to be invited to all
future events, in particular the St. Patrick's Day bash we have planned.
Christina (not the fiance), the Useless Fluff Girl, wore a particularly
slutty outfit, and being bisexual herself and possessed of a particularly
nice rack, got on rather well with the strippers as well as many of the
attendees, firmly establishing that she deserves promotion to Senior
Useless Fluff Girl. I have submitted the proper form to the Big MF, and
await a decision, which should take four to six weeks, per the employee
handbook. Those who are interested may view the video tape of the entire
event. We filmed it from two angles, though only one camera worked, the
other being a victim of operator error. The footage is roughly two hours,
and includes everything mentioned above, with the special bonus of several
blackmail-ready scenes. We will show it at the studio at some point in the
near future. The third event was John's suggested Sunday
get-together-to-reflect social. Bob, John, Chris Hagen, Eric, Ken, Kyle,
and I spent the afternoon eating bagels and drinking the leftover beer. We
cleaned up and made plans for upcoming events. It was altogether a nice
way to wind down after a weekend of constant Useless partying and whoreing.
If anyone is interested, there is still a third of a keg or so of MGD on
tap, which will be picked up on Wednesday. To those of you who didn't
attend any of these events, you are losers who have nothing to complain
about. If you said you were coming but failed to show up, then you are
extreme losers who ended up costing Useless some income, as we made plans
based on the number who GUARANTEED that they would come, and since only
half of you did, we could not cover the associated costs. Please, in the
future, do not say you will be there unless you actually plan to. Bob came
up with an interesting idea to sell tickets in advance, which would allow
us to plan more appropriately. We may have to go to a system like that if
so many Associates continue to participate on a last-minute basis only if
there is nothing more fun going on, though I can't imagine anything more
fun than naked chicks, beer, music, firearms, comrades, drugs, food, girls
having sex with each other, and our very own fluff girl selling shots out
of her belly button and off of her considerable and firm breasts.
Saturday, Mar 3rd, 2001
1720 Madison Ave. N.E.
Call ahead for groups of six or more
to
arrange special accommodations
612-781-8078
.
CLICK HERE for directions with a map
