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Useless Industries presents

The Everyman's Guide to Everyday Living 

With Illustrations



 UI Internal Memoranda

Last weekend was a milestone in Useless history, encompassing three organized events over three days. Friday night was the thirtieth birthday party for Dave, a friend of Bob's who apparently has no last name. Fifty or so guests drank two sixteen gallon kegs of extremely good beer (Newcastle and Grain Belt Premium), and swayed to tunes provided by (insert band name here), a four-piece pseudo jazz group who set up in the corner and played until the wee hours. As is often the case at Useless, numerous attendees spent the night, and carnal noises were reported coming from the sex lounge (the room formerly known as "John's art studio." Saturday night was a bachelor party for another Useless Associate, Dave Stichter, of the Minneapolis Police Department, who is marrying the lovely Christina on March 31. I actually got permission from Christina to have strippers and other naked women at the party, and, to top it off, she made a pan of lasagna and a cake that were outstanding, and just what fifteen men and one woman needed to eat before, during, and after the flesh display that occurred. The stripper service made a clerical error and sent five strippers instead of two, and even with the low turnout, four of them decided to stay. They performed the usual repertoire of stripper acts, including dancing, spanking, the classic beer-down-the-chest-over-the-mound-and-into-your-mouth bit, which necessitates the recipient inserting his or her tongue firmly into the stripper's, um, slot (admittedly not for everyone), fun with whipped cream, and a lusty display of bisexuality with two of the girls hungrily eating each other. As with most private parties of this type, the usual strip club rules did not apply, and the attendees could do pretty much whatever they wanted. We paid for two girls for sixty minutes, but three of the four stayed pretty much until the night was over, preferring to party with the group over leaving with their service-supplied bouncer type, who looked and acted suspiciously like our governor. Two of the girls willingly gave their phone numbers and asked to be invited to all future events, in particular the St. Patrick's Day bash we have planned. Christina (not the fiance), the Useless Fluff Girl, wore a particularly slutty outfit, and being bisexual herself and possessed of a particularly nice rack, got on rather well with the strippers as well as many of the attendees, firmly establishing that she deserves promotion to Senior Useless Fluff Girl. I have submitted the proper form to the Big MF, and await a decision, which should take four to six weeks, per the employee handbook. Those who are interested may view the video tape of the entire event. We filmed it from two angles, though only one camera worked, the other being a victim of operator error. The footage is roughly two hours, and includes everything mentioned above, with the special bonus of several blackmail-ready scenes. We will show it at the studio at some point in the near future. The third event was John's suggested Sunday get-together-to-reflect social. Bob, John, Chris Hagen, Eric, Ken, Kyle, and I spent the afternoon eating bagels and drinking the leftover beer. We cleaned up and made plans for upcoming events. It was altogether a nice way to wind down after a weekend of constant Useless partying and whoreing. If anyone is interested, there is still a third of a keg or so of MGD on tap, which will be picked up on Wednesday. To those of you who didn't attend any of these events, you are losers who have nothing to complain about. If you said you were coming but failed to show up, then you are extreme losers who ended up costing Useless some income, as we made plans based on the number who GUARANTEED that they would come, and since only half of you did, we could not cover the associated costs. Please, in the future, do not say you will be there unless you actually plan to. Bob came up with an interesting idea to sell tickets in advance, which would allow us to plan more appropriately. We may have to go to a system like that if so many Associates continue to participate on a last-minute basis only if there is nothing more fun going on, though I can't imagine anything more fun than naked chicks, beer, music, firearms, comrades, drugs, food, girls having sex with each other, and our very own fluff girl selling shots out of her belly button and off of her considerable and firm breasts.

Saturday, Mar 3rd, 2001 

1720 Madison Ave. N.E. 

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2000 Useless Industries, Inc.